In the next few blogs, I'll provide a few tips about etiquette during the holidays, for both kids and adults. If you like the Etiquette Moms approach, and haven't already, please join any of our great programs and get Certified as an Etiquette Trainer!

Let me start with the number one secret about good etiquette during the holidays....I guarantee you that it is not the "traditional" take on holiday etiquette.

You see, 99% of etiquette during the holidays is the exact same etiquette we use during the rest of the year. Yes, there is more gift giving, and kids need to know how to give and receive gifts with grace. There are more large, formal meals, and kids need to be on their best behavior. You should know how to give a holiday toast. But overall, etiquette is etiquette, regardless of the occasion.

If this is true, why do so many holiday gatherings get stressful and sometimes lead to conflicts? I can say for sure that it usually has nothing to do with the place settings, whether Uncle Joey uses his napkin incorrectly, or whether Aunt Rita uses the wrong spoon when salad is served.

This leads to the secret:

The number one reason why family gatherings go awry during the holidays is because when we get together, we sometimes bring past baggage to the festivities. The baggage represents any number of issues we have had with other family members in the past -- unresolved issues during a divorce, sibling rivalry, some petty jealousy, a fight that happened a long time ago and hasn't been resolved, etc. This baggage tends to surface during the holidays and causes problems. Often we see family members fight the same fights again and again and again, every year, even though the event in question happened 40 years before!

All it takes is for one member of the family to make a single, snippy comment, and the whole cycle starts over again. Sometimes it gets so bad that a member of the family storms out, or the police even need to be called.

Etiquette can't provide family therapy, which might be the real solution in these cases, but etiquette can certainly help to make the holidays more pleasant.

You see, etiquette first and foremost is about where we are coming from. It is an attitude. It is a way of being. It means that we want people to feel warm, welcome, and respected. Perfectly executed table manners and gift giving/receiving mean nothing without this spirit.

So let's say that you and your cousin have never gotten along, and you must see each other again at a holiday gathering. When the two of you are together, your cousin makes snippy comments to you -- comments rooted in jealousy, fights, or some perceived slight from years ago. Maybe he makes a backhanded criticism, or blames you for something that happened a long time ago, or makes fun of your politics.

You have a very important choice now. First, you can react the way you really want to. You can tell him how you really feel about him. You can let the conversation escalate. You can put a little lighter fluid on the spark that he ignited first, and let the flames start to fly. This can be subtle, for instance, by making your own backhanded insult with a voice tone that shows condescending, inauthentic patience with him. Or it can be more direct, by making your own snippy comment right back at him.

This is the choice that too many family members take during family gatherings, and it usually ends poorly.

The other alternative is to come from the spirit of etiquette. Think ahead to what will happen if you escalate the conversation and take the conflict further. Think about the other guests. Think about the model you are being for the kids who are watching you. Think about how to make everyone comfortable, and enjoy true festivities. Think about the fact that family baggage takes years to form, and isn't going to be put to rest over a holiday meal.

In this case, you back away from conflict. You don't let your cousin have a negative impact on you. Think "water off a duck's back."  You might walk away (assuming you have not sat down to the meal). You might politely change the subject. You might apologize for your role in whatever situation he is bringing up, ask for his forgiveness, and move to a new, less emotionally charged subject. Most importantly, you let it go. Choose to take the higher ground -- but without proclaiming your maturity to the rest of the room with self-righteous glory (which will only cause your cousin to argue with you even more).

This is easier said than done, especially if your cousin refuses to let the issue drop. But if you do your best to avoid escalating, if you remain graceful, if you keep walking away, your cousin is more likely to see that you aren't taking his bait, and he'll drop the issue.

Later, after the event, you can meet with your cousin in person or on the phone and work the issue out with maturity, and in a less dramatic setting -- if you want.

That is the number one secret of etiquette: No matter what the situation is, you have a choice in how you respond. You can make any conflict or potential conflict get worse, or you can come from the spirit of etiquette and let it go.

Setting a perfect table is easy compared to the maturity, character, and spirit it takes to make this etiquette secret a habit. If you are an Etiquette Mom, I know you can do it!